


All That is Hidden, Stays Hidden

by alexfckingnovak



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Finn Needs A Hug (Star Wars), M/M, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, leia is done with poe’s shit, the ending is happy i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:01:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22011496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexfckingnovak/pseuds/alexfckingnovak
Summary: A man like Poe Dameron should be used to feeling like this. Feeling like there’s nothing at all, floating wearily through an endless grey mist. Feeling lost in your own mind and having no idea how to find solid ground again. Poe has felt this before, his mind unable to pull it together and the only thing he can manage to do is fly. He was good at flying.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Leia Organa, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	1. Floating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outsiders would say that they were perfect for each other, two halves of one whole, but outsiders never get it.

A man like Poe Dameron should be used to feeling like this. Feeling like there’s nothing at all, floating wearily through an endless grey mist. Feeling lost in your own mind and having no idea how to find solid ground again. Poe has felt this before, his mind unable to pull it together and the only thing he can manage to do is fly. He was good at flying. When you’re soaring through space there is no time to second guess yourself, you just follow your instincts and work off of what you know. That is what Poe is good at. Instincts. Spur of the moment. Impulse. Finn was none of those things, and yet they worked.

The nights that Poe woke up screaming, oxygen tearing itself from his lungs, Finn was there. Always a steady hand to hold, squeezing just tight enough to bring his boyfriend back to him. Finn was Poe’s compass, guiding him through the mist. On the nights Finn woke up hyperventilating, tremors wracking his body, Poe was there. He wrapped his arms tight around Finn and didn’t let go until he had calmed. Poe was Finns anchor, keeping him grounded through the storms. 

Outsiders would say that they were perfect for each other, two halves of one whole, but outsiders never get it. They aren’t there to see the involuntary hurt that flashes across Finn’s face every time Poe flinches away from his touch. Outsiders never hear the pointless arguments they have just because they’re tired and angry and need someone to blame. They never see the whole story, the breakdowns and the pickups and the anger and the fear.

Finn is usually good at helping Poe through the tough times, as Poe is to Finn, but this time was different. Finn couldn’t quite place it, but there was an emptiness surrounding Poe that he had never seen before. Everyone in their base knew that something was wrong, but nobody was brave enough to bring it up. Except, of course, one.

Poe was never good at dealing with his feelings, so, as any normal human being would do when feeling overwhelmed by everything and nothing at the same time, he hides in the cockpit of his x-wing. He was staring mindlessly out the glass when a harsh knocking ripped him from his thoughts. His head swiveled as he pulled his blaster from its holster, aimed directly at none other than General Leia Organa. He immediately lowered the gun and prayed that the red creeping up his face wasn’t noticed. Steadying his breathing Poe opened the cockpit and climbed out, standing tensely beside her.

“At ease, soldier.” She said, attempting to joke her way through the awkward silence. Poe relaxed his shoulders and met her eyes, cursing himself for acting so weird. A sudden wave of fragility gripped his heart and crushed it, forcing tears to burn at his eyes and close his throat. Leia, sensing his sudden emotion, guided them both out of the hangar and into a private office. She motioned for him to sit in a seat as she took the one opposite. 

“Poe,” she lost her voice as he sat down, staring at her with an uneasy mixture of guilt and fear. It was a few moments before she spoke again.

“What’s wrong.” It was more of a demand than a question, but Poe still was hesitant to answer. How could he describe this? She stared at him, clearly expecting him to take the lead, but he refused. He made it his goal to look at everything in the room other than her for as long as humanely possible. Eventually, Leia got the hint.

“Poe, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been yourself lately, everyone’s noticed.” She shifted in her chair, watching him closely. He tried to pay her no mind, he really did, but Poe was never good at hiding his feelings from her. He opened his mouth to say something but the words died on his tongue. Too many of them, there was too much to say and not enough words and  _ how _ was he supposed to do this? He breathed deeply, composing himself, before taking the first step.

“It’s the dreams—again.” Is all he manages to get out. She takes a moment to think of her response, but Poe cuts her off.

“I haven’t told Finn.” The words are strangled, but he pushes through, determined to get all of this out. “I haven’t told him any of it. Why I joined the resistance, what I’ve done. I just can’t do it.” He stops now, pausing to gather his thoughts. Before he can say another word, Leia interrupts him.

“Dameron, is that what this all is about? What happened before, what you’ve gone through?” Although she’d never admit it, she cared for this reckless idiot like a son. 

“You say that like it’s nothing.” He scoffs, shifting away from her and crossing his arms. Her mind immediately backtracks, trying to fill in the gaps for him.

“That is not what I mean. Everything that you’ve been through up to this very moment is horrific, and I  _ wish _ that it could all go away. But it can’t.” A softer aura enveloped her as she continued. “You can’t keep running from your problems, Dameron, take it from me. Finn will not hate you, at this point I don’t think he’s capable of it. You need to tell him, he can help.” He almost believed her. Almost. In his heart he knew what he had to do, but he was too afraid. A coward. A disgrace. A worthless Commander. He got entire squadrons of people killed. Sometimes, it feels like he’s drowning in the blood that covers his hands. Leia reaches over the table and gently takes his arm, trying to pull him from his thoughts.

“You need to handle this, or it will only get worse.”

“But how...” He trailed off, wiping his face with his free hand. “How am I supposed to tell him? I can’t just walk up to him and be like,” he assumes a look of mock happiness, “Hey! Just to let you know that before we met I caused dozens of my friends—no—family to die simply because I was a foolish child, and since then I’ve been haunted by their faces every night!” He let out a hopeless laugh, crashing back into his chair and sliding down until the tip of his nose was level with the table. “That’s a ridiculous idea.” He mumbled, so quiet she barely picked up on it. Leia stared down at him with a face he knew quite well. It was her Quit Playing Around Dameron I’m Being Serious Right Now face. He averted his eyes to the floor tile, staring at it like it was his only hope. She rubbed her forehead in frustration before rolling back in her chair.

“Poe.” The commanding voice had him instinctually look towards her. “You are going to walk right out of this room, and go find Finn. Once you find him, you will take him back to the room I  _ know _ you have been sharing, and tell him.” His face burned as he slowly rose to sit properly. After a long moment of silence he nodded,finally giving in to the General’s orders. He knew that he would have to tell Finn the truth eventually, and yet he still clung to the idea that it would just go away. Maybe Poe would just get over it, maybe the dreams would stop and he could recover and maybe it all would just solve itself. It was stupid of him to believe that. 

Leia took his hand and guided him out of the room, he didn’t know how long they had been sitting in there. She gave him a final, caring glance, and turned towards the command center, leaving Poe alone with his thoughts. He didn’t like being alone, he hated it for reasons he couldn’t figure out. The silence surrounding him made his skin crawl and his head buzz, the ever present ache in his chest growing stronger with each strangled breath. Within moments he turned on his heels and ran back towards the hanger, to safety. He flew himself around the corner into the entrance only to be met with a solid human body. They fell, both yelping and twisting to try to protect themselves. Poe was almost certain they looked ridiculous, but his mind was too fuzzy to care. He lay there with his eyes closed long after he should’ve gotten up, trying his best to shovel oxygen back into his lungs. The constant pressure of unease came back with the silence. Poe assumed that whoever he ran into had already left, but he was wrong. 

Soon, a gentle hand gripped his own firmly, but not too firm. Just enough for him to focus on and drag himself out of the haze with. It took him a moment to realize that only one person knew how to do that. Finn. His eyes flew open and he shoved himself into an upright position, causing his breathing to go erratic once more. Finn’s warm eyes met his own as he gently pulled Poe into a hug, nestling his face into the crook of his neck. They both sat there for a while, Finn gently stroking Poe’s back, holding him tight, and Poe trying to calm his shaking hands that gripped tightly to Finn’s shirt. Slowly, Poe’s mind cleared of the fog and he released Finn, smoothing out his shirt before pulling back. He found it hard to swallow as his eyes met Finn’s, heavy concern showing on his face. Poe tried his best to smile and stood up, dragging Finn with him as he walked towards their room. Neither of them noticed that they were still holding hands.


	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wish I could love myself the way you seem to.” Poe whispered.

Finn could clearly tell that Poe was lost in his thoughts. They had been together long enough for him to pick up on the subtle shifts in Poe’s face and what they mean. Currently, his jaw was clenched and his eyebrows slightly furrowed, body moving on autopilot as his eyes stare at nothing. Finn was now the one guiding them in the right direction, making sure that Poe never got too far lost in his own mind, always bringing him back once he’s gone too far. He couldn’t help the concern that fills him from seeing Poe like this.

He knows that his boyfriend has gone through way more than he lets on, he isn’t  _ that _ naive. But this... it felt different. The concern crept into his heart, chilling his blood. Never had Poe expressed that kind of fear in public. Never had Poe been silent to the point where his lack of jokes felt suffocating. Never had exhaustion dominated his every feature. So yes, he had seen Poe struggle before, but this was different. 

They made it back to their room with ease, not running into anybody they knew on the way. Finn closed the door behind them and walked over to the bed, hesitating a moment before sitting on it. After a minute of painful stillness, Poe sat down next to him. Close, but not close enough. Together they sat, neither of them making any move to talk or close the gap between them. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Poe start rubbing his face aggressively, as if trying to wash it. Gently, Finn grabbed his boyfriend’s arms and brought them down, rubbing his thumbs over underside of his wrists. Poe met his gaze, fear, exhaustion, and hopelessness crashing together behind his eyes. Finn shuffled closer, closing the gap, and rested his forehead on Poe’s shoulder.

For a while they stayed like this, Finn listening to the steady drum of Poe’s heartbeat. Surprisingly, it was Poe that was the first one to break the silence.

“I um,” his voice was croaky, and Finn squeezed his wrists reassuringly. “There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been dancing around this for so long, and I know I should’ve told you a while ago but I’ve just been so scared—“ His voice wavered as a sob escaped him, ripping his arms from Finn’s grip to wipe tears from his face. Finn sat back, giving his boyfriend his full attention. 

“Poe, I love you, and I’m always going to be here for you.” Finn said, placing his hands on the pilots shoulders. A sad laugh pushed past Poe’s lips as he shook off Finn’s hands. He stood up off the bed and walked to the corner of the room, staring at the wall. Finn didn’t know what to do. For a moment, he wished that none of this was happening. That he and Poe were happy, and every morning they would wake up to a warm sun and walk out on their balcony and see a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains. Somewhere far from The First Order and the Resistance. Somewhere safe. 

But that’s just a dream. A false reality he created to make day to day life a little less like swimming through quicksand. In reality, he was hiding on a planet so cold that it chilled his very core until General Leia could find a new base. In reality, he was here in his room with Poe, who was not okay, and Finn didn’t know what to do so he just sat there. Helpless. Worthless. How the hell could Finn help him when he could barely keep  _ himself _ above it all? The constant fear was overwhelming, breathing poison into the furthest reaches of his mind. He had never needed to help anyone like this until he had had met Rey, she showed him what it was like to care and to be cared about. If only she could show him what to do now.

Finally, Poe turned around, anger rolling off his body in waves. Finn barely had time to react before Poe stormed towards him.

“Do not make promises you can’t keep, Finn.” There was an edge to his voice that Finn had never heard before.

“Poe, that wasn’t—“

“Shut up!” The words tore from Poe’s throat. Finn flinched away, and for a brief moment he thought he saw a flash of guilt cross Poe’s face, but it was gone as quick as it came.

“Please,” he sounded broken now, his voice thick with emotion, “just shut up.” Finn was stunned into silence, staring bug-eyed up at Poe. His mouth opened and closed, similar to a fish out of water.

“You deserve so much better than me.” The confession was so quiet Finn almost didn’t hear it. Almost. Immediately he rose to his feet, shocked to the core about what he just heard.

“Poe, what the fuck? Why would I deserve better than you—you are so incredible, I don’t understand why—“ Poe cut him off by turning towards the wall and slamming his fist against it, mindless of the blood left behind.

“I am  _ not _ incredible. I have done so many things, made so many mistakes, how can you love this? I’m a fucking mess!” He turned back and kicked the bedpost, tears forming rivers down his face. Finn stepped forward, pulling Poe into a bone crunching hug.

“You are a good man, Poe Dameron. A  _ good fucking man _ . You care about everyone so much that you barely leave any love left for yourself.” Poe practically goes limp in his arms, tears now wetting the shoulder of Finn’s shirt. “You taught me what freedom feels like, Poe, and that is so important. When people look at you they don’t see a failure, they see  _ survivor _ , because that’s what you are. You have been through so much, please, just let me take care of you.” Finn didn’t know when he started crying, but when he brought his hand up to his face there were tears. Poe’s arms tightened around him as he shifted to be in a more comfortable position.

“I killed them.” He whispered into Finn’s neck, not intending to be heard.

“That’s not true.” Finn said, just as soft. As soon as he said it Poe started struggling to get out of his hold, and eventually Finn let him go. Poe backed up, frustration clear on his face.

“Stop fucking lying!” The tears were back now, and Finn could see his chest stutter as he started to hyperventilate. “You know absolutely nothing about me, so don’t fucking claim to!” He was screaming now, and Finn just stood there. Watching. How did he end up here? 

“I may not know what happened before all of this, but I do know you. I know what kind of man you are, Poe Dameron, and I love you.  _ All _ of you.” Finn’s voice cracked and faded away, leaving them surrounded in silence. 

“How do you know.” Poe asked. Finn had never seen this kind of vulnerability on his face, and a small part of him was afraid that he never would again.

“I just... I do.” He said unconvincingly. Poe scoffed as tensions rose once more.

“Not good enough, Finn. Why do you love me so much? Why the fuck do you stay with me? I’m a wreck, can’t you see?” His voice grew louder as he went on, stopping abruptly as he flopped down to sit on the floor. Finn moved instinctually towards him but stopped, second guessing himself.

“When I saved you, you barely cared that I was a stormtrooper. You questioned me once and then  _immediately_ after you treated me in a way I’ve never been treated before. Like a human being. Like we were friends. I’ve never had as much fun as I did when we were escaping in that TIE Fighter.” He paused, walking over and sitting quietly down next to Poe. “And when we crashed, when I thought I lost you... it hurt. It hurt me in ways that I didn’t comprehend, still can’t.” Poe lowered his head to rest on his knees, squeezing his eyes closed.

“Finn,” his voice trembled, “just because I was the first person to treat you as a human doesn’t mean that you love me.” This time it was Finn who stood angrily, dragging Poe up by the elbow. He turned them towards each other, gripping tightly to Poe’s shoulders.

“Why aren’t you listening to me?” Finn said desperately, trying to get an answer he’ll never hear. “You don’t get to decide if I love you or not, okay? That’s my job. And I  _ fucking _ love you. You either accept that or move on, because I don’t know what else to do.” Poe stared up at the ceiling, desperately trying to blink away tears. “I wish that there was some way for me to take away all of your pain, but there isn’t. I don’t want to lose you, please. I can’t lose you.” Finn’s sentences grew quiet as he dragged Poe in for a hug, crying freely and mumbling those final words over and over again. It was a while before Poe hugged him back.

“I wish I could love myself the way you seem to.” Poe whispered.

“You will. It will take a lot of hard work and patience,” Poe grunted in distaste, making Finn chuckle, “but I know you can do it. You’re the strongest person I know.” He prayed that Poe didn’t hear the slight tremble in his voice. For a while they stood there, relishing in each other’s strong embrace.


	3. Flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bl- you want me to what?” Finn exclaimed, leaning towards Poe.
> 
> “Just fucking blow on my hand!” He grits out, shoving it towards Finn’s stunned face.

Poe was the first one to pull back, wincing as his hand brushed against Finn’s shirt. The concern crashed back into him like a wave, and immediately he set into motion. He ran into the bathroom and searched through their cabinets, pulling out medical tape, gauze, and antiseptics. Poe called out weakly behind him, but Finn paid him no mind. After gathering more than enough medical supplies he walked over to the bed, dragging Poe along behind him. He dropped the medical supplies onto the bed and sat Poe down, careful not to bump his hand. Meanwhile, Poe was eyeing the supplies humorously.

“Think you have enough gauze there, doctor?” He laughed at his own joke and Finn just shook his head, a soft smile curving his lips. 

He grabbed Poe’s hand and inspected it thoroughly, desperately hoping he looked like he knew what he was doing. To his untrained eye, it just looked bloody and swollen, possibly a broken bone. Finn reached for the antiseptic and a patch of gauze, taking a deep breath before pouring some of the antiseptic onto the gauze and folding it up. Carefully, he wiped away the dried blood, trying his best to ignore Poe’s grunts of pain. After what felt like forever he had wiped away most of the blood, the man above him quieting down.

Poe let his eyes flutter closed, for once finding peace in the silence. That is, until Finn poured the antiseptic directly onto his split knuckles. He immediately ripped his hand away and yelled, his eyes burning at the sharp stabbing pains. Finn fell backwards, fear and guilt in his eyes. He reached over Poe’s leg and grabbed the rolls of gauze, trying to secure Poe’s hand so he could wrap it. Eventually Finn took his hand and tried to wrap his knuckles, but his touch was too harsh and Poe jerked away, reopening the cuts. Finn sat back, floundering for words, but Poe beat him to it. 

“Blow on it! Fucking hell—“ He said through clenched teeth, nose flaring as he tried to ignore the pain. Finn’s mind short circuited, not understanding what Poe meant.

“Bl- you want me to  _ what _ ?” Finn exclaimed, leaning back towards Poe. 

“Just fucking blow on my hand!” He grits out, shoving it towards Finn’s stunned face. With fearful hesitance he blows gently on it, carefully watching Poe’s face for any sign of discomfort. Instead, Finn watched as his face relaxed and jaw loosened.

“Okay, stop before you spit in it or something.” Poe said, humor lacing his voice. Finn spluttered and looked up at him, pretending to be offended.

“ Wow , _clearly_ you don’t want my help anymore.” He smiled mischievously and stood up, taking the medical supplies with him. 

“Where are you—“ Poe started.

“Have fun wrapping your broken hand on your own!” He said in a sing song voice, twirling and heading towards the door.

“You’re annoying, you know that? Real childish!” Poe calls out after him, shaking his head lovingly as Finn stops in front of the door. He turns around, trying and failing to hide his smile.

“I thought my boyfriend had better manners.”

“Maybe if you wrapped your boyfriend’s broken hand he would improve them for you” Poe said with a cheeky smile. Finn rolled his eyes and walked back over, gently taking Poe’s hand and wrapping it with gauze, careful to not do any more damage.

“Can you hand me the medical tape?” Finn asked, focusing on keeping the cause positioned right. 

“Yes sir!” Poe said, mock saluting with his free hand before grabbing the tape. Finn snickered quietly and ripped off a piece, securing the bandages in place. Sitting back he wiped his forehead, sighing. Poe stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face. Quietly he stood and held out his good hand for Finn to take, pulling him up and over to the bed. Poe was the first one to roll on, scooting over to the other side to give Finn enough room to get on next to him. Grinning, Finn slipped his shoes off and got under the covers, sliding into place next to his boyfriend. Poe sighed and closed his eyes, hiding his face in Finn’s chest.

“Hey wait, you can’t fall asleep, isn’t that bad?” Finn asked, gently shaking Poe.

“I didn’t hit my head, dumbass.” He mumbled, barely lifting up his head before plopping it back down again. Finn sighed and rubbed his hand up and down Poe’s back, nestling in closer.

“You’re a horrible doctor.” Poe whispered, sleep dragging him under slowly. Finn smiled softly, sadness in his eyes.

“Don’t make me be one again... okay?” Poe nodded, mumbling something unintelligible.

“M’sorry, Finn.” 

“It’s okay. Get some sleep buddy, we can talk more in the morning.” Finn looked down at Poe for a reply, but he was already sleeping. Smiling, Finn bent down and kissed his forehead, before getting comfortable beside him. He gently ran his fingers through Poe’s hair, staring up at the ceiling with a peaceful smile. Finn really had no idea how he ended up here, but he was glad he did. With Poe by his side, the universe felt a little less huge. 

Life was better when he was around.


End file.
